Monday, January 11, 2010

Struggling to Kneel

Just before John Ashcroft was being sworn in as a US senator, he met with family and friends for prayer. As they gathered around him, he saw his dad trying to get up from the couch where he sat. Since his father was in frail health, Ashcroft told him, “That’s okay, Dad. You don’t have to stand up to pray for me.” His father replied, “I’m not struggling to stand up. I’m struggling to kneel.”

His father was about to kneel in intercessory prayer for his son, this isn't my problem, I can and often pray for others, knowing or feeling what God wants me to pray. I'm not perfect at it by any means but it's easier for me than praying for myself. This is where I struggle to kneel. I get so lost in knowing what I'm supposed to be praying for. When it comes to myself I feel so much like I'm talking to a brick wall. So I give up, I quit. What is the disconnect, what is the breakdown? I know it has to be me because everyone and everything tells me that God is perfect and Holy so it can't be on his side. And when you know something inside you is broken, and it feels like it's been broken for so long, you try to fix it. But you can only go so long battling to fix something before you just grow weary of the fight. You start to wonder if you can maybe just figure out a way to live with the broken parts and the pain... the only cure is death and that is so far in the distance...

I want Peace, Joy, Patience, Perceverance, Freedom, Trust, JOY, Faith, Belief, Courage...

Oh Lord, I need to know you are there and you can hear me, show me how to break down the wall, you have to be on the other side because the alternative is unbearable.

1 comment:

Becky Peck said...

Your heart is so apparant in your posts. I remember once praying for several weeks that I could love others the way God does. I prayed over and over to have a heart like His. One day while praying I became still and heard God say you pray amiss. When I questioned Him. He said. You have all of Me. I am in you. I thought on that and remembered a bible study I led once where I explained that we received the righteousness of God at salvation that we could never be more righteous than we are. The light came on. I received the love of God at salvation I already possess His kind of love, I just have to let go of mine. We have all His fruit. We just have to let go of ours and live in Him. I have to remind myself of that conversation with Him all the time. Now I thank Him for what He has given and no longer ask Him for more of it because He already gave all. We have been given all of Him. Thank you for sharing your heart I needed to remember today. Becky