Tuesday, November 30, 2010

A Pool Day instead of a Birth Day

As the summer crept closer I was starting to worry how I would handle the day that would have been our due date. I knew that God had done quite a bit of healing already and I was super blessed to see where He had opened our lives in ways that might not have happened had the pregnancy continued but that date was looming large. I decided to do what they tell you to do when your pregnant and plan something fun on my "due date". I emailed all my closest friends, my sisters in Christ who had been carrying me through this past year in prayer, love and support, and planned a pool day. Bring the kids, your lunch and help make it a positive day.

Yet again God blessed my socks off that day. Not only did I wake up feeling at peace but the time spent w/ my sisters was a bonus. He made sure that I never felt despondent or sorrowful that day.. there were one or two moments of sadness but not the possible depression I was worried about. Each day after there were less and less times of wondering what if and what might have been. I still every now and then question why I had to have a miscarriage in the first place but I'm trusting God to know it all and it's okay now if I never know why. I am so blessed in my life with the the things He's shown us about our mission field and look forward to the years ahead.

Next.. How many people can you fit in a small house... or what Matt and I feel is God's mission for our lives.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

How quickly life can change

My sweet husband pointed out to me I hadn't posted in quite a long time.. truth is I really struggled over this past year with wanting to share with anyone but my closest family my pain and hurt and even what God was showing.. plus my eldest accidentally wiped my hard drive this summer and I've just gotten around to finding passwords and links and such. So what has happened in our life you ask? Well I can sum it up w/ one verse...

Joel 2:25
And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you.

God has brought the miracle of life to our home yet again... it's been a long saga and over the next couple of weeks I hope to be able to step back in time and share some of what happened. I know he took me away from this forum for a season so I could focus on things he wanted me to learn and relationships he wanted me to strengthen. I am back now and pray that His Glory will be revealed through my plain speech. Hope you meet Him more through our story.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Actively looking for Joy

My sweet sister in love Bethany posted on her blog the other day about joy and has inspired me to make my own list of things that bring me joy. I'm with her and I'm tired of tying my joy up in my circumstances and my future desires. So here goes, things that bring me joy:

1. The love of my life, Ryan Matthew Cook, he desires me when I'm feeling less than desirable, he loves me when I feel less than lovely ( or lovable) and he blesses my socks off with his devotion to our family.

2. My two miracle children, because all children are a miracle when you think about all that has to happen for conception to even exist.

3. Being able to stay home with them each day and to provide a growing, nurturing environment for them.

4. Seeing not only their growth educationally but most especially spiritually.


6. The family of friends and fellow believers that fill my life and days, I couldn't have travelled through these ups and downs without them. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your lives.

7. My monday nights... starting with loving on kids at Agape while their parents are learning about God and ending with an amazing group of ladies who have loved me and prayed me through it all.

8. Clothes hanging on a line in the sunshine.

9. Sonshine... and Sunshine!

10. A great glass of red wine and some dark chocolate.

11. Playing worship music at full volume while I clean my house.

12. A perfect day at the beach.

A good dozen is good for now.. I think I could go on and that is a good thing, for me anyway.. Thanks Bethany for the reminder of all he has blessed me with. Love you sis!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Struggling to Kneel

Just before John Ashcroft was being sworn in as a US senator, he met with family and friends for prayer. As they gathered around him, he saw his dad trying to get up from the couch where he sat. Since his father was in frail health, Ashcroft told him, “That’s okay, Dad. You don’t have to stand up to pray for me.” His father replied, “I’m not struggling to stand up. I’m struggling to kneel.”

His father was about to kneel in intercessory prayer for his son, this isn't my problem, I can and often pray for others, knowing or feeling what God wants me to pray. I'm not perfect at it by any means but it's easier for me than praying for myself. This is where I struggle to kneel. I get so lost in knowing what I'm supposed to be praying for. When it comes to myself I feel so much like I'm talking to a brick wall. So I give up, I quit. What is the disconnect, what is the breakdown? I know it has to be me because everyone and everything tells me that God is perfect and Holy so it can't be on his side. And when you know something inside you is broken, and it feels like it's been broken for so long, you try to fix it. But you can only go so long battling to fix something before you just grow weary of the fight. You start to wonder if you can maybe just figure out a way to live with the broken parts and the pain... the only cure is death and that is so far in the distance...

I want Peace, Joy, Patience, Perceverance, Freedom, Trust, JOY, Faith, Belief, Courage...

Oh Lord, I need to know you are there and you can hear me, show me how to break down the wall, you have to be on the other side because the alternative is unbearable.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Confessions of a Mental Martha

If you were to put a hidden camera on me you would never in a million years call me a "Martha". I'm prone to selfish laziness, plopping myself down with my computer, the TV or a book and just vegging. I can get busy when needed but it's not my bent to be productive constantly, ironically it's the thing I hate most about myself and the one thing I feel most powerless to change. It seems so overwhelming. On the flip side you also would not call me a "Mary" by any stretch of the imagination. I don't know how to just sit at the Masters feet. My mind is constantly racing through lists, ideas, made up conversations, and all manner of thing, in fact right now I’m having trouble concentrating and not running down some rabbit trail, and this is something I want to be doing.

The other day when a friend and I were talking about this very thing I coined a title for myself. I’m a “Mental Martha”. Even if you never see me do a single thing my mind is on the go. I truly don’t know how to just be still and listen, to soak in truth and I’m starting to realize there is an element of fear in this part of myself. I can admit that I’m scared that when I stop there won’t be anything to hear. That I’m defective in some way and God can’t get through to me. If I were to be truly honest there is still that little part that worries that I’m a goat and that when I get still the reason I won’t hear anything is because I’m not his.

For our first Sunday family church time this year Matt had us talking about being a new creation. We came up with making New Life Resolutions with the kids and I’ve been pondering on what mine should be and this is what I’ve decided. I’m going to work on becoming a “Physical Mary” first. I’m going to take those steps I know I need to do to be willing to get still, get quiet and see what happens. I know it’s going to take a lot of God’s patience and power to break through the habits I’ve set in place but I know that if I don’t do this now I’m going to continue to battle the defeat I feel when Satan gets his best weapons out. Prayerfully one day I’ll become a “Mental Mary” and be able to soak in his presence even when I’m actually in Martha mode.

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!" "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." Luke 10: 38-42