As we head into December and begin to celebrate the birth of a very important baby I find myself stuffing some lingering pain, anger and resentment about the miscarriage. I have had no desire to try to see what possible good God could have brought out of this or what he could be wanting to show me. It took a book about a mother being found by her son she put up for adoption to break through the wall I was putting up. (side note, if you haven't read any of Angela Hunt's books pick one up, this one is called "The Debt" and is amazing)
The son is hit by a car right in front of her and she gets to hold him as he is called home, just like she got to hold him right after he took his first breath... that part was powerful enough but later in the book she is talking to her husband and said this ...
"I drove around town tonight, Able, and I asked the Lord why he brought Chris into my life. I mean, look at it from an eternal perspective - I knew Chris only four days. If God meant to take him home today - and I believe he did - then he could have just as easily kept Chris in New York with his parents. but God sent Chris to Wiltshire, and to me. The Lord used Chris to pull me out of my usual places and patterns, and he had to have a reason. I want to understand it." (emphasis mine)
I had to put the book down and just deal with the tears pouring forth, from the first pregnancy test that was positive to the second that was negative was 4 days, it was a fluke that I took a test at all, usually I would have just waited much longer and probably wouldn't have even known I was pregnant, the only way to accept that God loves me through all this is to trust that there was an eternal reason why it happened. I'm still not seeing it and don't know if I ever will, I sure hope so, I am praying that whatever it is that he reveals it to me, the sooner the better for my pain sake but I know that sometimes the answer is wait, be patient or even sometimes No. I really struggle with genuine joy in a season that dwells on birth and new life and even sharing in the joy of those around me that are bringing new life into this world.
I'm holding on to promises like this one, Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. Psalm 126:5 and praying he can break through the walls I find myself erecting even when I don't want to.
1 comment:
Shelly,
Simon and I had a miscarriage in between MuJwok and Ayoul. We actually made it halfway into the 2nd trimester before God took our baby home to him. I also struggled with trying to find purpose in the loss--and then I found myself able to minister to several other couples who loss their babies.
The pain is real. And it is lasting. I still mourn the loss of my baby and this is three years later. But somewhere along the way it changes from the sharp bitter pain to an ache and longing (which for me is easier to breathe through).
One of the things that helped me through the loss was having a memorial for the baby. In our case we actually had a body to bury and we have a place to go leave flowers. But just because you don't, doesn't mean that you and Matt can't go somewhere and pray and release a balloon, or leave flowers, or some other symbolic action that gives you a chance to mourn.
As mothers, we love our babies from the moment we even consider the need for a pregnancy test, and only having that joy for four days doesn't make it hurt any less when it's gone. I'm sorry for your loss and pray for you to have peace in knowing that you will see your baby in your Father's house where he or she waits for you.
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