God changed our lives on April 16, 2011 when he brought Judah Gray Cook into the world. Since his birth God has shown us even more changes are in store.. watch what he's doing and travel down the plain path with us.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.
The knowledge that Mary carried with her is overwhelming. I have to believe one of two things, Mary was stronger than any other mother on earth or God chose someone pure in heart but with limited knowledge of what the prophecies meant. Can you imagine carrying a child that you knew would become the Saviour of all mankind and knowing all that would have to happen to him to attain that goal? I don't think I could do it and I have decades and centuries of Christ followers before me leading the way. I would do anything to protect this little one growing inside me from pain, I don't know if I could even be as strong as Abraham and trust God in a very real physical sense. And yet there is a very real possibility that from the very beginning Mary knew enough about the Messianic Prophecies to know that her son would have to die for the worlds salvation. She was seeing all she had been taught coming true before her.
Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel. Isaiah 7:14
“But you, Bethlehem Ephrathah, though you are small among the clans of Judah, out of you will come for me one who will be ruler over Israel, whose origins are from of old, from ancient times.” Micah 5:2
and if she knew these to be truth then she probably knew at least some of the other prophecies, especially this one:
Isaiah 53
1 Who has believed our message and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
2 He grew up before him like a tender shoot, and like a root out of dry ground. He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
3 He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain. Like one from whom people hide their faces he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.
4 Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted.
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.
6 We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to our own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all.
7 He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; he was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before its shearers is silent, so he did not open his mouth.
8 By oppression and judgment he was taken away. Yet who of his generation protested? For he was cut off from the land of the living; for the transgression of my people he was punished.
9 He was assigned a grave with the wicked, and with the rich in his death, though he had done no violence, nor was any deceit in his mouth.
10 Yet it was the LORD’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer, and though the LORD makes his life an offering for sin, he will see his offspring and prolong his days, and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.
11 After he has suffered, he will see the light of life and be satisfied; by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many, and he will bear their iniquities.
12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great, and he will divide the spoils with the strong, because he poured out his life unto death, and was numbered with the transgressors. For he bore the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors.
Lord help me to enjoy the good days and the bad, to see your hand in the mundane and to praise you each and every day. Help me to treasure all your Son did for me and to teach your truths to my family.
Monday, January 10, 2011
A phone call out of the blue
On July 4th 2010 we got a very unexpected phone call. A friend that I have never talked about adoption with called to tell us about a family friend who was expecting and wanted to know if we might be interested in giving the baby a home. Needless to say we were a little floored. Adoption has been something we've talked about off and on at different times in our marriage but wasn't something we had decided on doing.
After the miscarriage it had been on my mind and as God began showing us the ministry He wanted us to follow it became even more in my vocabulary but was still not something Matt and I had talked about, yet.
Well, during the weeks that followed, we learned all we could about private adoption so we could feel like we were making an informed decision. We kept saying, unless God says no we feel we should proceed as if this is what we are supposed to do. Trust me there were lots and lots of conversations, "what if" became a daily part of our lives. And then God threw us a curve ball...
We had spent a week on vacation with Matt's family like we do each summer and came home ready to get right back into things. I had a mammogram scheduled for the Monday after we got back but knew that I hadn't started yet ( I was about a week late) so figured I better test to make sure I wasn't pregnant... well I was! So now we weren't just looking at adding one child to our family but potentially two in less than a year.. did I mention the baby we were looking to adopt was due in mid September... yeah, we would have been looking at babies seven months apart in age. And then the mom disappeared. We had no way to track her down, the family we had been using as intermediaries didn't know where she was. We began to feel like God was telling us we had been faithful to listen to him but now he had other plans. Knowing me do you think that went over well?
I'll be honest, I still mourn that little boy (we found out it was a boy). We don't know where he is, if the state stepped in, if the mom had got her act together or what. I have to trust God daily that he is watching over that little one and has a plan for him. I wonder and ask why a lot, Why did we have the miscarriage, why did we start this adoption process and then have it all fall through and why did it take this long for us to reach a point where we are closer in what we see our family as. We still don't see eye to eye, I'd still fill our house with kids that need us and God's love, either full time or part time but our pages are much closer than they used to be in the book. I look forward with joy to the birth of the little one I'm carrying, getting to participate in this miracle again is such a blessing. I wonder what God has planned for us in the years to come. I hope it involves more children but am learning contentment in the wait and see.
After the miscarriage it had been on my mind and as God began showing us the ministry He wanted us to follow it became even more in my vocabulary but was still not something Matt and I had talked about, yet.
Well, during the weeks that followed, we learned all we could about private adoption so we could feel like we were making an informed decision. We kept saying, unless God says no we feel we should proceed as if this is what we are supposed to do. Trust me there were lots and lots of conversations, "what if" became a daily part of our lives. And then God threw us a curve ball...
We had spent a week on vacation with Matt's family like we do each summer and came home ready to get right back into things. I had a mammogram scheduled for the Monday after we got back but knew that I hadn't started yet ( I was about a week late) so figured I better test to make sure I wasn't pregnant... well I was! So now we weren't just looking at adding one child to our family but potentially two in less than a year.. did I mention the baby we were looking to adopt was due in mid September... yeah, we would have been looking at babies seven months apart in age. And then the mom disappeared. We had no way to track her down, the family we had been using as intermediaries didn't know where she was. We began to feel like God was telling us we had been faithful to listen to him but now he had other plans. Knowing me do you think that went over well?
I'll be honest, I still mourn that little boy (we found out it was a boy). We don't know where he is, if the state stepped in, if the mom had got her act together or what. I have to trust God daily that he is watching over that little one and has a plan for him. I wonder and ask why a lot, Why did we have the miscarriage, why did we start this adoption process and then have it all fall through and why did it take this long for us to reach a point where we are closer in what we see our family as. We still don't see eye to eye, I'd still fill our house with kids that need us and God's love, either full time or part time but our pages are much closer than they used to be in the book. I look forward with joy to the birth of the little one I'm carrying, getting to participate in this miracle again is such a blessing. I wonder what God has planned for us in the years to come. I hope it involves more children but am learning contentment in the wait and see.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
How many people can you fit in a small house... or what Matt and I feel is God's mission for our lives.
So this spring brought us a new experience. We had a friend of Matt's from high school need a place to stay with her young girls. She needed the opportunity to get out of an unhealthy relationship. We chose to trust God and open up our home to them. We moved furniture around, blew up multiple air mattresses and went from a family of 4 to a family of 7 in one weekend.
It was amazing what God showed us during that time. Unknown to me God had plans for me to be thrust into an unknown... my own foreign missions as it were. I have always been a behind the scenes person, preferring to do the organizing, cleaning, feeding etc. and Matt is much better at the inter personal part of relationships. Let's face it the man can talk, he thrives on conversation with others, hearing their hearts, hurts and joys. Well God wanted me to grow in the areas of talk, he placed in our home someone who needed to hear my story, my heart and what he has done in my life. Matt and I had already been praying together but not real consistently. God impressed upon Matt the importance of starting our day in prayer for some days it was the only thing that kept me going. I had for all intents and purposes a stranger in my home and at times I was still dealing w/ the loss of our baby in the fall... I didn't feel like I could have bad days. He also made it very clear to both of us that this was his mission for our lives, meeting the needs of women and children in crisis in many different ways. We have talked almost daily about what this will look like and we quickly realize that there was going to be no set pattern. Do you know how hard this is for two people who like to plan and have all our ducks in a row. God keeps reminding us that His ways are the only way and that we will have to rely on Him daily to show us the next step.
Since then we have become ears and arms for several friends along the way, people who are hurting, who are going through life changes and need to see Christ in the flesh just to get through the day. It has been such a blessing to us both to walk along side them and to be allowed to be part of their lives. We are trusting God daily to show us how He wants us to work with Him in this life and believing that we will have a positive impact on many lives around us.
Through it all we hold fast to this one concept: We don't know what the future holds but we know (trust and believe in) WHO holds the future.
It was amazing what God showed us during that time. Unknown to me God had plans for me to be thrust into an unknown... my own foreign missions as it were. I have always been a behind the scenes person, preferring to do the organizing, cleaning, feeding etc. and Matt is much better at the inter personal part of relationships. Let's face it the man can talk, he thrives on conversation with others, hearing their hearts, hurts and joys. Well God wanted me to grow in the areas of talk, he placed in our home someone who needed to hear my story, my heart and what he has done in my life. Matt and I had already been praying together but not real consistently. God impressed upon Matt the importance of starting our day in prayer for some days it was the only thing that kept me going. I had for all intents and purposes a stranger in my home and at times I was still dealing w/ the loss of our baby in the fall... I didn't feel like I could have bad days. He also made it very clear to both of us that this was his mission for our lives, meeting the needs of women and children in crisis in many different ways. We have talked almost daily about what this will look like and we quickly realize that there was going to be no set pattern. Do you know how hard this is for two people who like to plan and have all our ducks in a row. God keeps reminding us that His ways are the only way and that we will have to rely on Him daily to show us the next step.
Since then we have become ears and arms for several friends along the way, people who are hurting, who are going through life changes and need to see Christ in the flesh just to get through the day. It has been such a blessing to us both to walk along side them and to be allowed to be part of their lives. We are trusting God daily to show us how He wants us to work with Him in this life and believing that we will have a positive impact on many lives around us.
Through it all we hold fast to this one concept: We don't know what the future holds but we know (trust and believe in) WHO holds the future.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
A Pool Day instead of a Birth Day
As the summer crept closer I was starting to worry how I would handle the day that would have been our due date. I knew that God had done quite a bit of healing already and I was super blessed to see where He had opened our lives in ways that might not have happened had the pregnancy continued but that date was looming large. I decided to do what they tell you to do when your pregnant and plan something fun on my "due date". I emailed all my closest friends, my sisters in Christ who had been carrying me through this past year in prayer, love and support, and planned a pool day. Bring the kids, your lunch and help make it a positive day.
Yet again God blessed my socks off that day. Not only did I wake up feeling at peace but the time spent w/ my sisters was a bonus. He made sure that I never felt despondent or sorrowful that day.. there were one or two moments of sadness but not the possible depression I was worried about. Each day after there were less and less times of wondering what if and what might have been. I still every now and then question why I had to have a miscarriage in the first place but I'm trusting God to know it all and it's okay now if I never know why. I am so blessed in my life with the the things He's shown us about our mission field and look forward to the years ahead.
Next.. How many people can you fit in a small house... or what Matt and I feel is God's mission for our lives.
Yet again God blessed my socks off that day. Not only did I wake up feeling at peace but the time spent w/ my sisters was a bonus. He made sure that I never felt despondent or sorrowful that day.. there were one or two moments of sadness but not the possible depression I was worried about. Each day after there were less and less times of wondering what if and what might have been. I still every now and then question why I had to have a miscarriage in the first place but I'm trusting God to know it all and it's okay now if I never know why. I am so blessed in my life with the the things He's shown us about our mission field and look forward to the years ahead.
Next.. How many people can you fit in a small house... or what Matt and I feel is God's mission for our lives.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
How quickly life can change
My sweet husband pointed out to me I hadn't posted in quite a long time.. truth is I really struggled over this past year with wanting to share with anyone but my closest family my pain and hurt and even what God was showing.. plus my eldest accidentally wiped my hard drive this summer and I've just gotten around to finding passwords and links and such. So what has happened in our life you ask? Well I can sum it up w/ one verse...
Joel 2:25
And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you.
God has brought the miracle of life to our home yet again... it's been a long saga and over the next couple of weeks I hope to be able to step back in time and share some of what happened. I know he took me away from this forum for a season so I could focus on things he wanted me to learn and relationships he wanted me to strengthen. I am back now and pray that His Glory will be revealed through my plain speech. Hope you meet Him more through our story.
Joel 2:25
And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you.
God has brought the miracle of life to our home yet again... it's been a long saga and over the next couple of weeks I hope to be able to step back in time and share some of what happened. I know he took me away from this forum for a season so I could focus on things he wanted me to learn and relationships he wanted me to strengthen. I am back now and pray that His Glory will be revealed through my plain speech. Hope you meet Him more through our story.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Actively looking for Joy
My sweet sister in love Bethany posted on her blog the other day about joy and has inspired me to make my own list of things that bring me joy. I'm with her and I'm tired of tying my joy up in my circumstances and my future desires. So here goes, things that bring me joy:
1. The love of my life, Ryan Matthew Cook, he desires me when I'm feeling less than desirable, he loves me when I feel less than lovely ( or lovable) and he blesses my socks off with his devotion to our family.
2. My two miracle children, because all children are a miracle when you think about all that has to happen for conception to even exist.
3. Being able to stay home with them each day and to provide a growing, nurturing environment for them.
4. Seeing not only their growth educationally but most especially spiritually.
5. FAMILY!
6. The family of friends and fellow believers that fill my life and days, I couldn't have travelled through these ups and downs without them. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your lives.
7. My monday nights... starting with loving on kids at Agape while their parents are learning about God and ending with an amazing group of ladies who have loved me and prayed me through it all.
8. Clothes hanging on a line in the sunshine.
9. Sonshine... and Sunshine!
10. A great glass of red wine and some dark chocolate.
11. Playing worship music at full volume while I clean my house.
12. A perfect day at the beach.
A good dozen is good for now.. I think I could go on and that is a good thing, for me anyway.. Thanks Bethany for the reminder of all he has blessed me with. Love you sis!
1. The love of my life, Ryan Matthew Cook, he desires me when I'm feeling less than desirable, he loves me when I feel less than lovely ( or lovable) and he blesses my socks off with his devotion to our family.
2. My two miracle children, because all children are a miracle when you think about all that has to happen for conception to even exist.
3. Being able to stay home with them each day and to provide a growing, nurturing environment for them.
4. Seeing not only their growth educationally but most especially spiritually.
5. FAMILY!
6. The family of friends and fellow believers that fill my life and days, I couldn't have travelled through these ups and downs without them. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your lives.
7. My monday nights... starting with loving on kids at Agape while their parents are learning about God and ending with an amazing group of ladies who have loved me and prayed me through it all.
8. Clothes hanging on a line in the sunshine.
9. Sonshine... and Sunshine!
10. A great glass of red wine and some dark chocolate.
11. Playing worship music at full volume while I clean my house.
12. A perfect day at the beach.
A good dozen is good for now.. I think I could go on and that is a good thing, for me anyway.. Thanks Bethany for the reminder of all he has blessed me with. Love you sis!
Monday, January 11, 2010
Struggling to Kneel
Just before John Ashcroft was being sworn in as a US senator, he met with family and friends for prayer. As they gathered around him, he saw his dad trying to get up from the couch where he sat. Since his father was in frail health, Ashcroft told him, “That’s okay, Dad. You don’t have to stand up to pray for me.” His father replied, “I’m not struggling to stand up. I’m struggling to kneel.”
His father was about to kneel in intercessory prayer for his son, this isn't my problem, I can and often pray for others, knowing or feeling what God wants me to pray. I'm not perfect at it by any means but it's easier for me than praying for myself. This is where I struggle to kneel. I get so lost in knowing what I'm supposed to be praying for. When it comes to myself I feel so much like I'm talking to a brick wall. So I give up, I quit. What is the disconnect, what is the breakdown? I know it has to be me because everyone and everything tells me that God is perfect and Holy so it can't be on his side. And when you know something inside you is broken, and it feels like it's been broken for so long, you try to fix it. But you can only go so long battling to fix something before you just grow weary of the fight. You start to wonder if you can maybe just figure out a way to live with the broken parts and the pain... the only cure is death and that is so far in the distance...
I want Peace, Joy, Patience, Perceverance, Freedom, Trust, JOY, Faith, Belief, Courage...
Oh Lord, I need to know you are there and you can hear me, show me how to break down the wall, you have to be on the other side because the alternative is unbearable.
His father was about to kneel in intercessory prayer for his son, this isn't my problem, I can and often pray for others, knowing or feeling what God wants me to pray. I'm not perfect at it by any means but it's easier for me than praying for myself. This is where I struggle to kneel. I get so lost in knowing what I'm supposed to be praying for. When it comes to myself I feel so much like I'm talking to a brick wall. So I give up, I quit. What is the disconnect, what is the breakdown? I know it has to be me because everyone and everything tells me that God is perfect and Holy so it can't be on his side. And when you know something inside you is broken, and it feels like it's been broken for so long, you try to fix it. But you can only go so long battling to fix something before you just grow weary of the fight. You start to wonder if you can maybe just figure out a way to live with the broken parts and the pain... the only cure is death and that is so far in the distance...
I want Peace, Joy, Patience, Perceverance, Freedom, Trust, JOY, Faith, Belief, Courage...
Oh Lord, I need to know you are there and you can hear me, show me how to break down the wall, you have to be on the other side because the alternative is unbearable.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Confessions of a Mental Martha
If you were to put a hidden camera on me you would never in a million years call me a "Martha". I'm prone to selfish laziness, plopping myself down with my computer, the TV or a book and just vegging. I can get busy when needed but it's not my bent to be productive constantly, ironically it's the thing I hate most about myself and the one thing I feel most powerless to change. It seems so overwhelming. On the flip side you also would not call me a "Mary" by any stretch of the imagination. I don't know how to just sit at the Masters feet. My mind is constantly racing through lists, ideas, made up conversations, and all manner of thing, in fact right now I’m having trouble concentrating and not running down some rabbit trail, and this is something I want to be doing.
The other day when a friend and I were talking about this very thing I coined a title for myself. I’m a “Mental Martha”. Even if you never see me do a single thing my mind is on the go. I truly don’t know how to just be still and listen, to soak in truth and I’m starting to realize there is an element of fear in this part of myself. I can admit that I’m scared that when I stop there won’t be anything to hear. That I’m defective in some way and God can’t get through to me. If I were to be truly honest there is still that little part that worries that I’m a goat and that when I get still the reason I won’t hear anything is because I’m not his.
For our first Sunday family church time this year Matt had us talking about being a new creation. We came up with making New Life Resolutions with the kids and I’ve been pondering on what mine should be and this is what I’ve decided. I’m going to work on becoming a “Physical Mary” first. I’m going to take those steps I know I need to do to be willing to get still, get quiet and see what happens. I know it’s going to take a lot of God’s patience and power to break through the habits I’ve set in place but I know that if I don’t do this now I’m going to continue to battle the defeat I feel when Satan gets his best weapons out. Prayerfully one day I’ll become a “Mental Mary” and be able to soak in his presence even when I’m actually in Martha mode.
As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!" "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." Luke 10: 38-42
The other day when a friend and I were talking about this very thing I coined a title for myself. I’m a “Mental Martha”. Even if you never see me do a single thing my mind is on the go. I truly don’t know how to just be still and listen, to soak in truth and I’m starting to realize there is an element of fear in this part of myself. I can admit that I’m scared that when I stop there won’t be anything to hear. That I’m defective in some way and God can’t get through to me. If I were to be truly honest there is still that little part that worries that I’m a goat and that when I get still the reason I won’t hear anything is because I’m not his.
For our first Sunday family church time this year Matt had us talking about being a new creation. We came up with making New Life Resolutions with the kids and I’ve been pondering on what mine should be and this is what I’ve decided. I’m going to work on becoming a “Physical Mary” first. I’m going to take those steps I know I need to do to be willing to get still, get quiet and see what happens. I know it’s going to take a lot of God’s patience and power to break through the habits I’ve set in place but I know that if I don’t do this now I’m going to continue to battle the defeat I feel when Satan gets his best weapons out. Prayerfully one day I’ll become a “Mental Mary” and be able to soak in his presence even when I’m actually in Martha mode.
As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!" "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." Luke 10: 38-42
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
When God rants back at you
Sent an email out to some of my prayer sisters tonight crying out in anger and frustration, but of course it didn't make anything better. Have you ever noticed that when you vent in righteous anger, the kind where you actually have a legitimate gripe, you tend to feel a sense of release and the ability to look at things more objectively? It's kind of like a pressure release valve. But, when you vent in pettiness all you do is make yourself more angry, more frustrated, more sad. Yup, that was me tonight. I ended up sitting with the Bible in front of me and it opened to Deuteronomy, right where I had highlighted some verses awhile back. God decided to send some venting right back at me. Over and over these words kept popping out...
Deut. 6: 5 Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.
Deut. 7: 9 Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments.
Deut. 7: 12-14 If you pay attention to these laws and are careful to follow them, then the LORD your God will keep his covenant of love with you, as he swore to your forefathers. He will love you and bless you and increase your numbers. He will bless the fruit of your womb, the crops of your land... You will be blessed more than any other people; none of your men or women will be childless, nor any of your livestock without young.
Deut. 10: 12 And now, O Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul.
Deut. 11: 1 Love the LORD your God and keep his requirements, his decrees, his laws and his commands always.
Deut. 11: 13, 14 So if you faithfully obey the commands I am giving you today - to love the LORD your God and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul - then I will send rain on your land in its season, both autumn and spring rains, so that you may gather in your grain, new wine and oil.
are you seeing the theme here? All the things he asks us to love him with are the things he has to give us to live, our heart, not just the pumping organ but the very thing that makes us reach out to others, our soul, the part of us that cries out for his coming, for that perfect world and our strength, something we all feel like escapes us at any given moment. They are also the things we give away with increasing ease, we give our hearts to anyone who says they love us back, we give our soul to anything that takes away the ache for that missing part, we give our strength to all the things we think we "have to do" and we end up wondering why we feel soo far away from him and without anything left to give him... left to give him... left to give him, why do we get it sooo backwards?
I've been saying how angry I am at God right now, but it isn't righteous, it doesn't do anything but stoke the flames. Oh how Satan has been laughing at me and egging me on, I can feel it, and I'm tired of it, I have no idea of how to stop it. All I can do is place the Word in front of myself and pray, pray like I haven't before, pray for truth to step out in front of me, pray for strength to say "Get the behind me Satan" even when it comes in the form of a well meaning friend, pray for the wisdom to put away the keyboard and pick up His Word, pray that my narrow minded sight be widened to see more, more of what he wants me to be, see and do. I've been soo busy looking at the last part of those verses and not any time growing in the first part, it's time to stop focusing on what God can do for me and to just focus on God. My good and patient God is one day going to have enough of my pettiness and will let me stew in my juices and I really don't want that to happen. So my prayer sisters, I'm sorry, and I'm asking you to join me in praying over this stronghold, I'm done and tired of it and ready to be free indeed
Deut. 6: 5 Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.
Deut. 7: 9 Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments.
Deut. 7: 12-14 If you pay attention to these laws and are careful to follow them, then the LORD your God will keep his covenant of love with you, as he swore to your forefathers. He will love you and bless you and increase your numbers. He will bless the fruit of your womb, the crops of your land... You will be blessed more than any other people; none of your men or women will be childless, nor any of your livestock without young.
Deut. 10: 12 And now, O Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul.
Deut. 11: 1 Love the LORD your God and keep his requirements, his decrees, his laws and his commands always.
Deut. 11: 13, 14 So if you faithfully obey the commands I am giving you today - to love the LORD your God and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul - then I will send rain on your land in its season, both autumn and spring rains, so that you may gather in your grain, new wine and oil.
are you seeing the theme here? All the things he asks us to love him with are the things he has to give us to live, our heart, not just the pumping organ but the very thing that makes us reach out to others, our soul, the part of us that cries out for his coming, for that perfect world and our strength, something we all feel like escapes us at any given moment. They are also the things we give away with increasing ease, we give our hearts to anyone who says they love us back, we give our soul to anything that takes away the ache for that missing part, we give our strength to all the things we think we "have to do" and we end up wondering why we feel soo far away from him and without anything left to give him... left to give him... left to give him, why do we get it sooo backwards?
I've been saying how angry I am at God right now, but it isn't righteous, it doesn't do anything but stoke the flames. Oh how Satan has been laughing at me and egging me on, I can feel it, and I'm tired of it, I have no idea of how to stop it. All I can do is place the Word in front of myself and pray, pray like I haven't before, pray for truth to step out in front of me, pray for strength to say "Get the behind me Satan" even when it comes in the form of a well meaning friend, pray for the wisdom to put away the keyboard and pick up His Word, pray that my narrow minded sight be widened to see more, more of what he wants me to be, see and do. I've been soo busy looking at the last part of those verses and not any time growing in the first part, it's time to stop focusing on what God can do for me and to just focus on God. My good and patient God is one day going to have enough of my pettiness and will let me stew in my juices and I really don't want that to happen. So my prayer sisters, I'm sorry, and I'm asking you to join me in praying over this stronghold, I'm done and tired of it and ready to be free indeed
Monday, December 21, 2009
If we focus too much on Christmas we might miss Christ
This Christmas has been strange, I don't know if it's because of the miscarriage or because of the sprititual changes God is making in Matt and I or a combination of both but it's been different for sure. I am having a hard time getting into the mode of comercial gift giving, deciding what to give people has been on such the back burner this year. And it seems like every book I pick up, every song I sing, every person I talk to has made me start to question what does Christmas really mean to me. I decided to ask some questions of my family to see what they would say. Here are the questions and responses.
What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think about Christmas?
Ethan: "I think about presents but also about the birth of Christ"
Matt: "bills, where does the money go?, hectic schedules, spending time with family and friends"
Me: "hectic schedules, pleasing family, getting it all done, looking festive"
What do you enjoy about Christmas?
Matt: "getting to do special things with family, getting time off of work to spend with family"
Me: "filling the house with good smelling goodies (baking), dressing up for parties, finding that perfect gift"
What does Christmas mean to you?
Ethan: "If he wasn't born we wouldn't be here today", "You don't give just to recieve"
I know the kids are just kids but it really made me wonder what the emphasis has been on so far in their lives, what have we been teaching them. I know that Matt and I both struggle with not losing our temper with them and each other each year as the stresses mount up. We battle the Bah Humbugs and the blahs, and only just manage to come out of it in time for Christmas Eve. Tell me, what kind of example is that?
All this makes me wonder, what can we learn from this? Also, how in the heck do we balance what we feel God is showing us with expectations that won't change by people who either won't get it or aren't in the same place we are.
I think we both are feeling the need to change our family's focus from inward towards us and how the season affects us to outward toward the people around us that are struggling each year, with pain, finances and everyday wants. How this is going to look we're not sure yet but I know one thing, next year is going to be less about what we can't do, how we don't feel or what we don't get and more about Who He is, What He wants us to do and How He makes us feel. All this in the hopes that it carries foward into the New Year and every day of our lives. It's time to make Christmas less about one day and more about Everyday.
What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think about Christmas?
Serah: getting presents, "Santa if he does exist after all", "Sometimes I think about Jesus and his birth but most of the time I don't"
Ethan: "I think about presents but also about the birth of Christ"
Matt: "bills, where does the money go?, hectic schedules, spending time with family and friends"
Me: "hectic schedules, pleasing family, getting it all done, looking festive"
What do you enjoy about Christmas?
Serah: "happiness, being excited, getting presents, being thankful"
Matt: "getting to do special things with family, getting time off of work to spend with family"
Me: "filling the house with good smelling goodies (baking), dressing up for parties, finding that perfect gift"
What does Christmas mean to you?
Ethan: "If he wasn't born we wouldn't be here today", "You don't give just to recieve"
Matt: " a season where we struggle to focus on the right things"
I know the kids are just kids but it really made me wonder what the emphasis has been on so far in their lives, what have we been teaching them. I know that Matt and I both struggle with not losing our temper with them and each other each year as the stresses mount up. We battle the Bah Humbugs and the blahs, and only just manage to come out of it in time for Christmas Eve. Tell me, what kind of example is that?
All this makes me wonder, what can we learn from this? Also, how in the heck do we balance what we feel God is showing us with expectations that won't change by people who either won't get it or aren't in the same place we are.
I think we both are feeling the need to change our family's focus from inward towards us and how the season affects us to outward toward the people around us that are struggling each year, with pain, finances and everyday wants. How this is going to look we're not sure yet but I know one thing, next year is going to be less about what we can't do, how we don't feel or what we don't get and more about Who He is, What He wants us to do and How He makes us feel. All this in the hopes that it carries foward into the New Year and every day of our lives. It's time to make Christmas less about one day and more about Everyday.Thursday, December 10, 2009
Shameless plug
I love words, I love reading and it's often how God speaks to me the most. My wonderful Sister and Brother in Love both have blogs that I check daily. There isn't a time when what God gives them to share doesn't speak to me in some way. Their last posts are so God given that I'm suggesting you go read them! Bethany is at http://his-beloved2.blogspot.com/ and Tim is at http://a-warriors-heart.blogspot.com/ . I love them both and love the heart that they share with us all.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Searching for Meaning
As we head into December and begin to celebrate the birth of a very important baby I find myself stuffing some lingering pain, anger and resentment about the miscarriage. I have had no desire to try to see what possible good God could have brought out of this or what he could be wanting to show me. It took a book about a mother being found by her son she put up for adoption to break through the wall I was putting up. (side note, if you haven't read any of Angela Hunt's books pick one up, this one is called "The Debt" and is amazing)
The son is hit by a car right in front of her and she gets to hold him as he is called home, just like she got to hold him right after he took his first breath... that part was powerful enough but later in the book she is talking to her husband and said this ...
"I drove around town tonight, Able, and I asked the Lord why he brought Chris into my life. I mean, look at it from an eternal perspective - I knew Chris only four days. If God meant to take him home today - and I believe he did - then he could have just as easily kept Chris in New York with his parents. but God sent Chris to Wiltshire, and to me. The Lord used Chris to pull me out of my usual places and patterns, and he had to have a reason. I want to understand it." (emphasis mine)
I had to put the book down and just deal with the tears pouring forth, from the first pregnancy test that was positive to the second that was negative was 4 days, it was a fluke that I took a test at all, usually I would have just waited much longer and probably wouldn't have even known I was pregnant, the only way to accept that God loves me through all this is to trust that there was an eternal reason why it happened. I'm still not seeing it and don't know if I ever will, I sure hope so, I am praying that whatever it is that he reveals it to me, the sooner the better for my pain sake but I know that sometimes the answer is wait, be patient or even sometimes No. I really struggle with genuine joy in a season that dwells on birth and new life and even sharing in the joy of those around me that are bringing new life into this world.
I'm holding on to promises like this one, Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. Psalm 126:5 and praying he can break through the walls I find myself erecting even when I don't want to.
The son is hit by a car right in front of her and she gets to hold him as he is called home, just like she got to hold him right after he took his first breath... that part was powerful enough but later in the book she is talking to her husband and said this ...
"I drove around town tonight, Able, and I asked the Lord why he brought Chris into my life. I mean, look at it from an eternal perspective - I knew Chris only four days. If God meant to take him home today - and I believe he did - then he could have just as easily kept Chris in New York with his parents. but God sent Chris to Wiltshire, and to me. The Lord used Chris to pull me out of my usual places and patterns, and he had to have a reason. I want to understand it." (emphasis mine)
I had to put the book down and just deal with the tears pouring forth, from the first pregnancy test that was positive to the second that was negative was 4 days, it was a fluke that I took a test at all, usually I would have just waited much longer and probably wouldn't have even known I was pregnant, the only way to accept that God loves me through all this is to trust that there was an eternal reason why it happened. I'm still not seeing it and don't know if I ever will, I sure hope so, I am praying that whatever it is that he reveals it to me, the sooner the better for my pain sake but I know that sometimes the answer is wait, be patient or even sometimes No. I really struggle with genuine joy in a season that dwells on birth and new life and even sharing in the joy of those around me that are bringing new life into this world.
I'm holding on to promises like this one, Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. Psalm 126:5 and praying he can break through the walls I find myself erecting even when I don't want to.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
It Must Be Small
Below is from my daily readings. I am so thankful today for the small company, the band of brothers (and sisters) who have gathered with me to walk in each others lives. Thank you for your trust, your guidance, your support and most of all for your unconditional love! You all are an answer to years of prayer for this very thing.
When he left Rivendell, Frodo didn’t head out with a thousand Elves. He had eight companions. Jesus didn’t march around backed by legions of angels, either. He had twelve men – knuckleheads, every last one of them, but they were a band of brothers. This is the way of the kingdom of God. Though we are part of a great company, we are meant to live in little platoons. The little companies we form must be small enough for each of the members to know one another as friends and allies.
Who will fight for your heart?
How can we offer the stream of counseling to one another, unless we actually know one another, know each other’s stories? The reason counseling became a hired relationship between two people was largely because we couldn’t find it anywhere else; we haven’t formed the sort of small fellowships that would allow the stream to flow quite naturally. Is it possible to offer rich and penetrating words to someone you barely know, in the lobby of your church, as you dash to pick up the kids?
Where will you find the Four Streams?
The Four Streams are something we learn, and grow into, and offer one another, within a small fellowship. We hear each other’s stories. We discover each other’s glories. We learn to walk with God together. We pray for each other’s healing. We cover each other’s back. This small core fellowship is the essential ingredient for the Christian life. Jesus modeled it for us for a reason. Sure, he spoke to the masses. But he lived in a little platoon, a small fellowship of friends and allies. His followers took his example and lived this way, too. “They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts” (2:46). “Aquila and Priscilla greet you warmly in the Lord, and so does the church that meets at their house” (1 Cor 16:19). “Give my greetings to the brothers at Laodicea, and to Nympha and the church in her house” (Col 4:15). (Waking The Dead , 190, 191 )
When he left Rivendell, Frodo didn’t head out with a thousand Elves. He had eight companions. Jesus didn’t march around backed by legions of angels, either. He had twelve men – knuckleheads, every last one of them, but they were a band of brothers. This is the way of the kingdom of God. Though we are part of a great company, we are meant to live in little platoons. The little companies we form must be small enough for each of the members to know one another as friends and allies.
Who will fight for your heart?
How can we offer the stream of counseling to one another, unless we actually know one another, know each other’s stories? The reason counseling became a hired relationship between two people was largely because we couldn’t find it anywhere else; we haven’t formed the sort of small fellowships that would allow the stream to flow quite naturally. Is it possible to offer rich and penetrating words to someone you barely know, in the lobby of your church, as you dash to pick up the kids?
Where will you find the Four Streams?
The Four Streams are something we learn, and grow into, and offer one another, within a small fellowship. We hear each other’s stories. We discover each other’s glories. We learn to walk with God together. We pray for each other’s healing. We cover each other’s back. This small core fellowship is the essential ingredient for the Christian life. Jesus modeled it for us for a reason. Sure, he spoke to the masses. But he lived in a little platoon, a small fellowship of friends and allies. His followers took his example and lived this way, too. “They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts” (2:46). “Aquila and Priscilla greet you warmly in the Lord, and so does the church that meets at their house” (1 Cor 16:19). “Give my greetings to the brothers at Laodicea, and to Nympha and the church in her house” (Col 4:15). (Waking The Dead , 190, 191 )
Monday, November 16, 2009
Proof God hears
Have you ever had someone say they cried out to God for proof that he existed or that he was really listening to their cries, or had that happen yourself and that there was an immediate response? Like a phone call from someone saying "I don't know why but I'm praying for you".
This is something I've only heard about from friends and never experienced myself, and I'm struggling with whether or not I should even need this. Lately I've been crying out to God about needing some very specific concrete proof that he is even hearing my hearts cry yet I feel such a blank wall, and then I start to wonder what am I doing wrong that I can't hear God.
I'm having to walk through such an ambiguous physical situation right now that if feels like only something concrete from God will ground me. And yet do I have the right to ask for that? I can't begin to find direction on this in my bible and I know that is my own fault for not knowing it like I should.
Lord God, you know what I'm asking for (and it's not a pregnancy, though that would be nice) and it's something I know only you could bring about. Please hear my cry and meet me today, show me you are really listening to my heart.
This is something I've only heard about from friends and never experienced myself, and I'm struggling with whether or not I should even need this. Lately I've been crying out to God about needing some very specific concrete proof that he is even hearing my hearts cry yet I feel such a blank wall, and then I start to wonder what am I doing wrong that I can't hear God.
I'm having to walk through such an ambiguous physical situation right now that if feels like only something concrete from God will ground me. And yet do I have the right to ask for that? I can't begin to find direction on this in my bible and I know that is my own fault for not knowing it like I should.
Lord God, you know what I'm asking for (and it's not a pregnancy, though that would be nice) and it's something I know only you could bring about. Please hear my cry and meet me today, show me you are really listening to my heart.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
A Conscious Choice
I'm beginning to realize that I can have a conscious choice to hope, to dream, to wait and see what God has planned for me. I can have hope without the dread of crushing disappointment. Not to say that the disappointment might not come but I can chose to let it be overwhelming or merely something I acknowledge but don't give power to.
Psalm 42:11 (New International Version)
11 Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
11 Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
Pain will come, disappointment will come but so can Joy and Hope if I allow them to.
If I shut the windows and doors and never look outside I'll never know when the rain stops and the sun comes shining again!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~If you've knelt beside the rubble
Of an aching broken heart
When the things you gave your life to
Fell apart
You're not the first to be acquainted
With sorrow grief or pain
But the master promised sunshine
After rain
Of an aching broken heart
When the things you gave your life to
Fell apart
You're not the first to be acquainted
With sorrow grief or pain
But the master promised sunshine
After rain
Hold on my child
Joy comes in the morning
Weeping only last for the night
Hold on my child
Joy comes in the morning
The darkest hour means dawn
Is just in sight
To invest your seed of trust in God
In mountains you can't move
You have risked your life on things
You can not prove
But to give the things you can not keep
For what you can not lose
Is the way to find the joy
God has for you
Hold on my child
Joy comes in the morning
Weeping only last for the night
Hold on my child
Joy comes in the morning
The darkest hour means dawn
Is just in sight
The darkest hour means dawn
Is just in sight
Joy Comes in the Morning by Bill and Gloria Gaither
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Longing for Hope
I think if I wait till I'm ready to talk about this I'll never get it out. On Wednesday October 14th I found out I was pregnant, something I've been dreaming about and desiring for 6 years. On Friday October 16th I started to miscarry. That was the longest hardest weekend of my life. The highest of highs and the lowest of lows in 3 short days. Needless to say I've had some choice words for God this past month.
I've had such a tenuous grasp on hope for a real long time and this just crushed any hope I had left. I don't know if I even know how to hope anymore.
I should start my period this week, all I can see is the promise of more pain, of more crushed dreams, I can't even see the potential for joy. I need God in such a mighty way this week but in all honesty I don't expect to see Him, and that grieves me more than anything.
I know Hope is out there waiting I just don't know how to find it.
I've had such a tenuous grasp on hope for a real long time and this just crushed any hope I had left. I don't know if I even know how to hope anymore.
I should start my period this week, all I can see is the promise of more pain, of more crushed dreams, I can't even see the potential for joy. I need God in such a mighty way this week but in all honesty I don't expect to see Him, and that grieves me more than anything.
I know Hope is out there waiting I just don't know how to find it.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
being honest before God
My awesome B-I-L and brother in Christ challenged me today to be honest with God, to pour out what is so deeply in my heart it's things only he knows... and he does know already. Why do I think that because I know he already knows these things I don't need to talk to Him about them? Okay Tim, I'm gonna try cuz my heart is hurting so much today I can't even breath...
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
The names of God
nothing fancy, today I need to sit in His presence and feel the need to list the names I know Him by and why, a reminder for my soul of sorts...
God!
All Powerful - He can handle anything that I send His way
Emanuel - God is with us, He is with me second by second, day by day, month by month, year by year through all eternity, but am I with Him?
El Shadi - All Sufficient, He can be my everything, am I letting Him?
Truth - I can trust everything I read in His Word
The still waters - if I will allow Him He will lead me to Himself and I can rest beside Him
And - if He is The Beginning and The End, Alpha and Omega then He is the and in between, He is ever present, ever loving, ever knowing
The Bridegroom - He is pure love waiting with baited breath for me to walk down the aisle to Him, why is this one the hardest to believe and understand when I have such an amazing example before me each day in Matt?
God!
All Powerful - He can handle anything that I send His way
Emanuel - God is with us, He is with me second by second, day by day, month by month, year by year through all eternity, but am I with Him?
El Shadi - All Sufficient, He can be my everything, am I letting Him?
Truth - I can trust everything I read in His Word
The still waters - if I will allow Him He will lead me to Himself and I can rest beside Him
And - if He is The Beginning and The End, Alpha and Omega then He is the and in between, He is ever present, ever loving, ever knowing
The Bridegroom - He is pure love waiting with baited breath for me to walk down the aisle to Him, why is this one the hardest to believe and understand when I have such an amazing example before me each day in Matt?
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